Since high school life has felt like a constant sprint. How can I get that job at Panera Bread? How can I get hired at Trader Joe's? How can I get into the film industry? How can I get onto a studio lot? How can I get in the union? How can I be more successful than I was yesterday?
Now I believe this mentality is good and healthy, but only to a point. I believe you can take it too far. I believe I took took it too far.
At the start of this year I woke up and began to realize that accomplishing goals started to lack fulfillment. I was getting one job after another. A bigger job each time! Everything career wise was on the up and away, strawberries and cream ya know! (Call me Buzz Lightyear!) Yet I wasn't happy. I kept chasing what I didn't have. What I wanted, but couldn't have. That's what kept me going. It was the carrot on the end of the stick.
I caught myself when I was craigslisting for a 1985 Toyota pickup trucks while working on my 8 week job. These are pre-tacoma trucks we are talking about. I wanted one so bad! But I didn't need one. And to be honest I couldn't even convince myself of an excuse of why I needed one. But I kept reading the ads.
Around this time I started to go to therapy and read books about appreciation. I started to see that in front of my very own face my favorite artist had released two albums back to back that were packed with acknowledgement of appreciation and most importantly, I started to see that my life lacked appreciation. I started to see why I fiend for that person to be in my life, I started to see why I fiend for that pre-tacoma truck, I started to see why I fiend to be a DP instead of enjoying where I was in that moment.
I am happy to see that appreciation over the last 13+ weeks has changed my life and who I am as a 23 year old man. I am not who I was yesterday and I have no fucking idea who I will be tomorrow. But I know who I am in this moment. I know what it feels like to breath through these lungs and what it feels like to have appreciation for what I have and for exactly where I am in my life.
As summer comes to a close I feel myself coming up for air. I am only 13 weeks into this job but life is wonderful. The world looks a little more vivid than it did yesterday. My air condition feels colder than it did yesterday. Bevo's fur seems softer than it used to be and my scooter seems to slow down time to a perfect 125cc crawl. Let me be the first to tell you, I can't get enough!
Tonight I swam at a friends house while my video was uploading. Life's better than it has ever been and I'm celebrating with hands over fists of appreciation. A life filled with appreciation and lacking expectations is one I want to live. It's a life I want to work on building for myself.
I hope you enjoy Week 22, I will talk to you soon