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Week 23 - Two Beers and a Banana Nut Muffin

I wrote this video back in the Spring when I was working on a TV show.  At the time I was still dealing with the emotional backlash of a not so recent relationship.

Here’s the thing, when you work on TV you average 55-70 hours a week.  On the type of shows I work on it is not uncommon to have a call time of 6:30am Monday morning and to wrap the week at 4:00am Saturday morning.  As a single man in his 20’s this schedule is not horrible, yes I don’t have a life when I work, but it is doable.  Now, how people who are married and have 2 kids are able to do this schedule is beyond me, but that is for another video.  

Because I was working these hours, not only did I not have a life but I found that I was not able to process my life.  I didn’t have time, I didn’t have the emotional energy, and the last thing I wanted to do on my weekends was to think thoughts that made me think (great sentence right h’re!).

It was while working on this show and not having a life that I broke and realized just how unequipped I was with dealing with my emotions.  I was bottling them up, I was seeking self pleasure, I made a couple drastic purchases to distract myself, and with every new attempt I became even more unhappy.  Mainly because with every failed attempt I realized that was one less idea that had a possibility of working (how many scooters can one man own? NOT ENOUGH! ).  

At this time I had been going to therapy for a few months.  This is the first time in my adult life I have done this but it is also the first time in my life that my I have had insurance and they cover 50%, so why not?

During one of the sessions while working on this TV show my therapist told me she had the great TED talk for my “situation” (oh boy! Count me uninterested! ).  She said it had to do with gratitude.  I remember not exactly understanding why my situation needed gratitude but I was willing to give the talk a try. So far my therapist had not led me wrong, so why doubt her now?

A couple days later she sent it to me.  

I remember because it was a Saturday morning and I had gotten off at 3:00am.  I was in a hotel room in Ontario and I remember sitting up at the desk and turning on my computer.  I sat there and I watched it.  In fact I sat there and I watched it 5 times.  

The TED Talk she sent me was Brené Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability. While watching the TED talk, in that Ontario hotel room it felt as if Brené Brown was talking about my life.  In the video she uses a phrase “two beers and a banana nut muffin” as a metaphor to avoiding emotions.  Now, most people who watch the TED talk probably don’t remember that phrase, but that’s what stuck with me.

I realized that “two beers and a banana nut muffin” was systematically what I was doing in my life.  I didn’t have the ability, nor did I want to deal with the emotional pain that I needed to deal with in order to grow.  I was using a 70 hour work week as an excuse, I was using herradura as an excuse, and I was using “just one more scooter” as an excuse.  

Over the next few months, I very slowly learned to sit with the pain of my emotions and I learned to let go of so many things I was so desperately holding on to.  I learned gratitude, I learned what it means to love yourself without the influence of others, and learned just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to forgiving.

After all this, I shelved this Week 23 video in early Summer.  I told myself “I am over this! I don’t need to complete this.  I am finished”  Yet when I was scrolling through the Google Doc in September I realized that it was more applicable to my life than when I put it down.  

I always learn so much about myself when making these videos.  I see things in myself that I never saw before, both good and bad.  But each time I compete one I feel a sense fulfillment that I believe I can only find in myself (well maybe Bevo has the ability but besides him absolutely no one!).

I hope this video helps you like Wylder helped me.  And I hope Brené Brown’s TED talk is as impactful in your life as it was in my Ontario hotel room.  

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Much Love!

Spencer

 

Below are some of my favorite stills:

 

20171025- Show and Tell

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I sat down and talked myself through some oh so typical feelings of wanting to rush to the "good part."  

I am all too familiar with it.   Putting my head down to try and get to B and I am not even at A.  Then when I get there I look back and regret no enjoying A!

So cyclical but it could be my middle name.  

I have wanted to change that and I have been noticing changed in my life when it comes to enjoying A, living in the moment and finding pleasure here.  

 

P.S. In my hand is a sugar skull that I purchased at Trader Joe's and I might not ever get rid of it! It has become a favorite.  Orange pupils with blue eyes! Come on! Hello future candle holder!! Talk to me!

20171024- Dos

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The bird is in the nest! It's crazy to me what asking for help can do for you. 

Today my house closed! I've now got a mortgage. It's true, if you hang around the barber shop long enough you are bound to get a cut. 

Thanks to everyone who has answered my questions about how a mortgage works and how to qualify for one. Thank you to my Dad. And thank you for Costco for approving a kid at 18 for a credit card with a limit of $800! 

What's my life without risk? I've been thinking about that question recently. If I fail, if I go broke, if I get burned out of the film industry, let it happens in my 20s! This is the time to take on an unporportunal amount of risk. To risk it all and see how far we can go. And best believe we've got dreams to jump over the moon in a pair of Air Force 1s!

20171010-JCVJ Call Sheet

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I found this call sheet on my dresser.  I guess it's been sitting there since I've moved in.  I haven't had much time to enjoy the place as you can guess!

This is where the week 22 video idea started.

And while I'm here I should mention that I am loving this $50 all in one printer! (Plus I bought the white one, paid 10 more bucks for it but my god was it worth it!)